Broken
by I.will.drink.this.coffee
Summary: "But that would be unacceptable, he knows. It was his best friend's wedding day, he should celebrate and be happy for Alexander, not thinking of things he would rather be doing. But he couldn't be." /Another take on Laurens at Hamilton's wedding


**This takes place after Satisfied and before Story of Tonight Reprise.**

 **Also more modern dialogue bc I'm keeping it similar to the musical.**

 _ **Broken**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **.**_

John stood off to the side, merely observing the large group of people filling up the room. His eyes grazed over the women with their fancy done up hair, and the men with their finest looking jackets.

But there was only one person that really stood out to him. And it was even worse that he was the best man at that person's wedding.

John exhaled and tilted his cup back and forth, tempted to just pour it out completely in frustration. He had already had a few drinks throughout the party but he wasn't nearly as drunk as he wanted to be. Tipsy was the pathetic stage he was at.

"What the hell." He muttered, before finishing up the last of it in his glass and slamming it down on the counter behind him.

 _Fresh air is what I need_ he thought as he ventured for the door, avoiding drunken fellows and dancing couples on his way. Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful.

" _Attendre!_ Laurens!"

Begrudgingly, John stopped and watched as Lafayette strolled up behind him holding a whole bottle of sherry. "Where have you been _mon ami?_ We have been looking everywhere! Wanna drink?" His words were slurred, heavily accented, and somewhat hard to understand. Most likely due to his intoxicated state and his limited knowledge of english.

John forced a smile and waved a hand. "Nah, I'm okay man."

Lafayette hicupped and shook the bottle in his fellow rebel's face. "Are you suuureee?"

John rolled his eyes and nodded. His eyes swept the room. The newly Wed couple were together on the dance floor with Angelica and Peggy Schuyer close by. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go and get some fresh air."

Lafayette shrugged. " _Oui_ , okay." He stumbled around for a moment and turned around on his heel. Once doing so he headed back to his original table. "Hercules! Get off the table! You drank too much again _mon homme principal!"_

Despite his sour mood, John let out a genuine chuckle. At least he wouldn't be losing everybody.

He found his way into the garden. It was peaceful, the only light provided was by the moon and only faint music was heard from the party. It was tranquility and he enjoyed it compared to his normal, disruptive life.

The scenery of white and red roses filled him with reassurance and the creek gave the whole scene a more casual touch. It was times like these that he wished he brought his paint supplies.

But that would be unacceptable, he knows. It was his best friends wedding day, he should celebrate and be happy for Alexander, not thinking of things he would rather be doing. But he couldn't be.

Not when he knew Alex first. Not when Alex confided in him for so long, and came to him when in need of comfort. Not when on the night of that damn Winter Ball, Eliza was introduced to Alexander with stars in their eyes as John stood off on the sidelines.

Elizabeth Schulyer thinks that day is unforgettable? Well, it was for John too. But opposed to her, he despises the thought of it.

 _Elizabeth Hamilton_ he scolded himself.

He shook his head, his ponytail bouncing around on his back in the process. He tapped his hands on his thighs and stared at the moon, trying to clear his head. He knew his plan was foiled when he heard the door creak and the music get loud for a moment.

He sighed. "Lafayette, I told you I'm fine. Go make sure Hercules hasn't killed himself yet."

He heard a feminine snicker and he immediately looked over his shoulder with wide eyes. "Miss Schuyler?"

The oldest Schuyler sister waved her hand and half smiled. "No, call me Angelica."

"Well _Angelica_ , " he playfully put emphasis on her name and watched as she rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. "What's the Maid of Honor doing out here?"

She clicked her tongue, adjusted her dress, and walked over so she was standing next to him. She looked at the sky and he followed her lead. "I guess I can ask the same about the Best Man?"

John bit his lip and closed his eyes for a brief moment. "I'm just.. Tired..."

He stayed in place for a moment, but the silence went on for too long. He turned toward Angelica to find her staring at him, the moonlight reflecting off her dark eyes, giving a shimmering effect. "Laurens.. Are you sure that's all it is?"

He gave a small shrug and leaned over the concrete railing in front of him. His frizzy hair was sticking to the sweat on his face and his heart was aching terribly. He did not want to have this conversation with Angelica right now. "Sure."

She eyed him skeptically and mirrored his position. They stood in silence for a few moments, the faint music and the crickets the only sound. It was a cool night, something John was thankful for. The air cooled him down when his collar began to feel too tight.

Finally Angelica frowned and sighed. "You were there weren't you?"

That caught John off guard, causing him to wrinkle his nose and raise an eyebrow. "I was where?"

Angelica stood up straight and rolled her eyes in a way indicating she was irritated that he didn't just automatically know what she meant. "You were there the night Eliza and Alexander met."

She said is like a fact, not a question. So John was sure he didn't like where this was going. His heart was heavy and the only one who even knew about these bottled up feelings was the groom himself. But that didn't stop him from getting married.

"I.. Yes, I was. That was the night I met all you Schuylers."

A smile tugged at Angelica's lips and she nodded. "I remember. After that, Alexander and my sister became awfully close. We would often see him around... And you were always with him."

John felt tears well up in his eyes, and he swallowed the lump in his throat. He dropped his chin on his fist and muttered, "What are you getting at Miss Schuyler?"

"Well, I thought it was odd how you were always the only one with him. Whether you stood off to the side when he was with Eliza or let yourself into the conversation, you were always there... "

John dropped his hands and tightened them around the railing. He allowed his ponytail to drop over his shoulder and shield his face. He could practically hear the gears turning in Angelica's head. She was gonna guess it. He knew how smart she was, and he knew how obvious he was though he desperately tried for Alexander's sake more than his own to stay quiet. So his most Dearest's image could stay in a certain light.

But Angelica knew now, he knew she did. What would she think? It was completely against the law, it was disgusting, both he and Alex were closeted freaks. But at least Alex had Eliza, John could never feel that way for a woman, the bearded relationships he tried never lasting.

Angelica had stopped talking, so John was begining to wonder if she was waiting for him to look at her. He lifted his head and watched as she furrowed her eyebrows together. She didn't often look confused, but right now was a rare time. Their eyes remained locked for a moment before she whispered, "Are you in love with Eliza?"

John held back a gasp. If that was ever more than the opposite. John couldn't say he hated Eliza, he couldn't even sat he disliked her! She was one of the sweetest people he knew- but she had Alexander now and he didn't. He wasn't sure what to feel.

Laurens could feel his heart beat faster as Angelica continue scrutinizing him. Eye contact was still not broken and the silence hung in the air, even the crickets hushing to hear the answer.

He searched her eyes, and something was off. She wasn't certain. She didn't believe what she was saying. There was no thought in her mind that there was a possibility John Laurens was in love with her sister, and John somehow knew that.

He didn't know why she asked it, he didn't know if this meant she knew his secret, but despite it all, he broke into a small sad smile and mustered up a, "Yeah. I am."

He watched the oldest Schuyler sister's eyes widen. "...Since when?"

For a minute, John was lost in the memory of Burr and Hamilton walking in the bar together. He was with Lafayette and Hercules, when a dashing man with mocha skin and a dark ponytail walked in. He was short statured and when he spoke, his eyes sparkled. John had to know who he was, and he soon knew Alex very well. Better than most men did.

Until the Winter's Ball.

The first tear John allowed that night slid down his cheek. "Since the first time we met."

He wiped his cheek and Angelica placed a hand on his shoulder. "Her black hair, and tan skin, and... Her way of expressing herself.. And.. The way I could just listen to her talk for hours..."

One by one another tear dropped and he stopped to share a look at Angelica. He obviously wasn't describing Eliza, but Angelica had a look of understanding in her sad eyes. That confirmed his suspicions.

She didn't say anthing. They stood there together in the dark, in each other's comfort, the comfort they both used to seek from two people who got married that day.

After several minutes of silence, that seemed more like hours, John took a step back. "Umm... Thank you Miss Schuyler. I think, I'll take my leave now, and.. I'll see you around." He gave her hand a chaste kiss and began towards the door. He was about to enter when he heard her voice cut in-

"Alexander is a wonderful man."

John didn't say anything and kept his back to her. He blinked at her statement.

"Thats why I fell in love with him too."

In a way, John wasn't surprised. Alexander had his ways of attracting a variety of different people. Eliza, Angelica, and himself couldn't be any different .

But after all that, he stood there for a moment and smiled quietly to himself. After another tic of silence, he walked inside without a word.

He instantly went to find Lafayette. He needed that drink now. He zig-zagged around the room, less people in attendance now that the celebration was dying down. He spotted his French friend's empty table down the ways and began toward it to investigate when he felt a tug and was being pulled away.

"What the hell ma-!" He stopped when a grinning and gorgeous Alexander stood in front of him. He was dazzling.

"I couldn't find you all night Laurens! Where have you been? "

John pressed the heel of his palm to forehead. It wasn't Alex's fault. He told him he was okay with the marriage, he told him Eliza was good for him. And she was, but John couldn't bare it. Alex promised him they would remain friends... Their friendship would just have more boundaries. He had a wife that he loved.

"I wasn't feeling too good. I was outside for a bit. Where's Eliza?"

Alexander shrugged, as if he hadn't seen her all night. "She went to find Angelica. She wants to have some time with her sisters tonight before she is officially a 'married woman. '"

Johns stomach churned and he tried to ignore the last comment. "I was with Angelica, I can go get her-!" He was already turning on his heel when Alex snagged him back again.

"No, Laurens that's alright! You can come with me. Laf and Hercules are already at the bar, I'm gonna have a last night with my best friends in turn. And well, if you're not there, what's the point? "

John lifted his eyes and they locked with the man's who meant the world to him. Alex's half smiled broke across his face and John's heart did that obnoxious pounding thing again. That was the smile he would always give, before leaning in and closing the gap between them with a kiss. He knew that wasn't an option now.

At times like these he wondered what went on in Hamilton's head. Did he realize what he put John through? What were his exact thoughts during his vows? All questions that could never be answered.

Putting on his brave face, John forced a smile and slapped Hamilton's back. "Of course Alex, it's your wedding night! What better to do?"

Alex's smile grew wider. "Great! Let's meet them out there!" He slapped John's back in return and lead him toward the door.

John felt weak. He felt exhausted. He was broken. He would go and get wasted, then hopefully he could act like nothing was a problem.

Whatever he and Alexander had in the past was gone. He was married to a beautiful woman he loves very much. And John knew he would never be a substitute for that.

* * *

 **Okay sorry, I'm not good with angst. Also, sorry for history inaccuracies bc to be truthful, I didn't really do any research, this was just an impulse story. Also sorry if the sexuality references didn't get justice or were described offensively or something, idk what I'm doing.**

 **Lams is so cute, so here ya go! I needed to jump on the Hamilton wagon, and I hope I eventually do more but who knows.**

 **Yeah, Alex is a dumb butt and cant sense the mood. Angelica is really effing smart and can figure things out through body language.**

 **~Iwilldrinkthiscoffeee**

 **7/16/17**


End file.
